Day 3: The Day My Tour Guide Looked Like My Mother

After breakfast at the hostel with Anna, a gal from the Ukraine, I trotted off to Waterloo Station, where I would take a train to Windsor Castle.





My tickets!


Arrival at Windsor Castle, where you can see the Round Tower.


A pretty shot of the castle through the Jubilee trees.


Me inserting myself into the pretty shot of the castle.


MAKE WAY FOR THE QUEEN'S GUARD!!!!


In addition to touring the castle, which is done through an extensive audio guide, I had tickets to tour the kitchen, which is only opened to public twice a year. Enter in Sheila, the tour guide, who looked just like my mother, and it freaked me out. It was like my own British doppleganger mummy! And of course I then tried not to cry, because things that look like my mother were then conjured in my mind (Pixar's Up), needless to say, it was a weird combo of feelings.

I couldn't take pictures inside the castle, so you'll have to take my word for it when i say the State Apartments, Queen Mary's dollhouse and the kitchens are mind bogglinging awesome. The Queen has 48 porcelain services, each comprising 1,800 pieces! Jealous! The wood benches in the kitchen are originals from Charles IV, and the gas stove was installed during Victoria's reign. Elizabeth I required 30 courses at every meal, and when Victoria was done eating, so was everyone else, even the 100th person down the line who had yet to receive their food. And as blown away as I was by the Queen's gallery, it was doubly so in this exquisite castle. Most of the extravagance and collections come from George IV, the Party king!

There was an exhibition on Prince Philip, the Queen consort, to mark the occasion of his 90th birthday. I learned quite a bit about him and the royal family that was terribly interesting. Did you know that prince Philip and the Queen are third cousins? They're both descended from Victoria.

I also went to St George's chapel, where, among others, Henry VIII and the current Queen's parents, George VI and Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother are buried. I am now resolved to become a member of the Order of the Garter, the oldest chivalric order still in use.

In 1992, there was a devastating fire at Windsor that damaged four of the most important rooms. The guide said that more damage was then done by the water used to put it out. But in cleaning everything up they did discover some Windsor secrets, like an entire room that had been walled up, and the well that children would be ordered to draw water from for the kitchens. the guide said it would take 7 more years for the castle to completely dry out.

The fire is also the reason that we tourists get to go into Buckingham Palace while the Queen is away. It was her way of raising the funds she needed to fix her house without asking the British taxpayers.


For arrow shooting purposes, and sitting down purposes.


This is adorable. The gift shops has corgies, and some even have little crowns on! The royal gift shops all have the same stuff, none of which is too interesting (except the porcelain china....because having royal porcelain would get me one step closer to Hyacinth Bucket). But they do have this lavender perfume that was supposedly a favorite of Queen Victoria, and I would buy it but the bottle is 3.5 ounces, and I think the airline limit is 3? I would cry sad royal tears to watch them take it away from me, so I've resolved to stop in every shop and spray it on throughout the day.


The Queen's apartments.


I made brief eye contact with the guard, and in that fleeting moment was communicated, "This a little awkward." And to which I replied, "I know."

So instead of taking a picture of the poor boy, I give to you a photograph of all the goons standing around, taking his picture and making him feel awkward. Take that, merrymakers!


I've noticed some little differences between London and New York. For instance, in addition to the Tube being much more efficient and navigable, it's also far cleaner than the NY subway. In addition to this, there are very few trash bins in the tube and on the street. I attribute this to a couple things. First, no trashcans, or just simple wire ones equals less trashcans bombs. (NY's solution is massive, iron, locked mini bomb shelter trash cans.) And second, British people seem to be so much neater and more organized. I realize this is a massive assumption based on three days observation, but unlike in NY, I have not seen one person litter, or over burden themselves with bags. Even the people that bump into me or step in m way turn and offer a quick, "Sorry 'bout that, love."

Another observation is that water comes from two spouts, hot and cold, and is supposedly meant to be mixed together in the basin. This is an inefficient process for me!

I'll probably keep drawing comparisons between New York and London...


Here's my dinner at Windsor, at a Wagamana Noodle Bar. They have GF dishes with rice noodles.


And after arriving back at Waterloo, I headed over to Tower Hill to join up with the Jack the Ripper walk put on my London Walks. This is their most popular walk, and on a nice day like this, it draws over a hundred people, so they split it between two guides. I've written more about the walk at the bottom.


While waiting I tried some unprepared jelly. Because jello is England is actually jelly, and jelly in America is really jam over here. Anyway, instead of powered packets or single serve cups, you get these bars that are scored into squares, and dilute them to prepare jelly (jello-are you catching on?) but some people will just eat the squares by themselves, since they are the consistency of gummy candy. I quite liked it! It made me think of the jello house in Cloudy With a Chance.


I love the blatant disregard for advertising. I assume the shop owner thought to himself, "Why should I try and manipulate my customers by enticing them with beautiful pictures of my wares and descriptive words that conjure lovely mental images? I shall simply give a direct order, and these rubes will obey."

So let me tell you now about the craziest walking tour ever:


My guide was Donald, who authored the comprehensive book you see above. He is widely considered to be one of the foremost authorities on Jack the Ripper, and going with him on this tour with 70 other people was quite an experience.


I had him sign my copy.

Donald was an excellent orator and deftly wove the story to us. He described London at the time of the late 19th century, painting a visual picture that was brought to life as we walked along these places. We walked to the locations of all the murders, and Donald explained the troubles with the investigation, the problems and mistakes that were made, and the list of suspects and his ultimate conclusion, that it wasn't a conspiracy but probably a loan serial killer, who worked in the area an had some experience as a butcher, because of his confidence in handling and carving up the ladies.

A few funny things happened along the journey. The first is that we saw the English Cricket Team, all getting out of their fancy cars at a very posh hotel near the tower of London. I, of course, had no idea until Donald told me that was who I saw.

Before moving on to the next stop, Donald seriously warned us about "a fat man on a bicycle," who "rides up the road as the tour groups pass and shouts rude things. Don't shout back!" Because of his choice words, the guides all call him Mr. Bollocks. He said they have no idea what set him off, but he hates tourists with a passion, and since these tours are all timed, he's able to regularly show up. His apologetic warning made what could have been an uncomfortable situation rather funny, and although we did not get the chance to meet Mr. Bollocks, every time a hefty gentleman passed by on a bicycle, the massive crowd eagerly turned in anticipation of some smart remarks. I can only imagine what those poor, regular blokes thought as they wheeled down the road, minding their own business, only to be stared at by a massive swell of tourists, with looks of trepidatious curiosity and expectation slathered on their faces.

We also got a number of drunk locals reenacting the murders from lit windows surrounding us.

I slept in quite a bit this morning, which was nice after so much walking the day before. It's now raining, and I think I'll skip off to go check out some markets.